This article first appeared on Everything for Dads
My family has a
history of stepfathers. My dad was a stepfather to my oldest sister, my
grandfather was a stepfather to my mother, and my grandmother’s father was a
stepfather. In two of the above cases, this was because of parental
abandonment. Their biological fathers left them at an age too young to
remember. Fortunately, this was not the case with my own stepson. Part of
knowing that I would be a part of his life meant accepting that hopefully, so
would his biological father.
My wife had
never let a partner meet her son for just that reason, that she could come to
terms with a breakup, but to put the same grief upon a child was unforgivable.
Luckily, we had decided that even if we weren’t in a relationship, we would
always be in each other’s lives. Not to mention, at this point I hadn’t said
it, but I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
It’s a lot of
pressure to have put on you and you should only go through with marrying
someone with a child if you want both of them to be a permanent part of your
lives.
Problem is,
whether we’re first time parents or already have kids of our own, we may be
very different from our partner. You might disagree on a number of things. They
might be strict where you aren’t, etc. Point is, she’s got her way and you’ve
got yours. But you’re king, right? You’re He-Man and your word is law. This
feeling, among others is a problem I call The Stepfather Savior Complex. I’m
going to speak in hetero-normative terms as this is coming from my own
experience, but I think it applies to all genders.
Here are some
signs that you are suffering from the Stepfather Savior Complex:
1.) You think
you can discipline their child better than their mother can.
When stepping
into a familial situation, outsiders tend to think they can raise a child
better than the parent. It always seems easier, doesn’t it? These are the kinds
of people that blame the mother for the baby crying in the grocery store or the
toddler throwing a tantrum. Just slap the brat and get on with it! we say to
ourselves. These people, much like grandparents think they can interject and
undermine the parent’s wishes.
Often times, men
are harder on boys and women are harder on girls, therefore, they get caught up
in trying to correct every single thing they can. I’ve heard of stepfathers
with the mother about not being strict enough. Instead of helping, they hinder
the situation by beating their chests at young men. If you start doing things like
this, chances are you need to take a step back and think about your
insecurities. Leave your machismo at the door. This harbors disdain, not
respect.
I think the real
problem here is that we have trouble accepting that kids are kids. We once
cried because we couldn’t have a second cookie and threw a tantrum because we
didn’t want to go to bed. You can use your booming manly-man voice all you
want. That kid is going to cry in the middle of the night because he wants to
be tucked in and refuse to listen to his mother for no particular reason.
Eventually, he’ll start saying no to you, too.
I blame this on
toxic masculinity. Maybe you were told to “man up” or that “boys don’t cry.”
Don’t continue the cycle. You can be the better man.
How to fix:
Take a step
back. Leave the room if it bothers you that much. Let her handle the situation.
She knows her kid better than you and it is your job to lead by example, not
butt in and scare the child into behaving.
2.) You feel
that you’re in competition with the biological father.
NEWS FLASH:
you’re not. It’s okay that they love their dad. Of course they do, he’s their
dad! You may feel like you have to be better than him for some reason, but you
don’t. You can be just as strong of a figure as him, but it won’t happen over
night. The competitive stepfather thinks he has to buy bigger toys, be
stricter, be more fun so he can compare to “the real dad.” Truth is, once that
biological father realizes another man is in his kid’s life, chances are, he’s
feeling the same way you do.
The mother split
up with the father for some reason or another and knowing that reason may make
you angry. It could be he wasn’t up to par with her parental standards, abuse,
or maybe it was simple irreconcilable differences. Use this knowledge so that
you don’t repeat his mistakes, but don’t take it too far.
How to fix: be
just as excited as he is about seeing his father. Chances are, you don’t like
this guy, but you don’t want your stepchild to see that. “Did you have fun at
daddy’s? Great!” things along those lines that let your stepchild know that
they are loved.
3.) You view
your stepson as a threat.
I’m going to get
a little Freudian with this one, but I think our pipe-smoking phallic obsessed
friend was onto something with this Oedipus Complex thing. If you’re not
familiar with this concept, in a nutshell, Freud suggests that boys feel a love
for their mother that is threatened by the father. I believe that the inverse
can be true.
Hopefully you
love that boy’s mother more than you love breathing air, but eventually
something hits you in the head like Chuck Lidell: that boy is her world and no
matter how much she loves you, it will never compare to the love she feels for
him. Unless he’s adopted, he grew inside her for Christ’s sake.
So what do we
do? We take it out on him. Maybe he’s bratty at times and doesn’t treat her as
kindly as you do so we yell and intercede. Maybe you feel he sucks up too much
of her attention, calling to her in the middle of the night. We want to call him
“mamma’s boy” and tell him to suck it up when she attends his sickness and
wounds.
This may be
taking things a bit too far for some people. It may even sound outlandish or
outdated, as modern fathering has changed so much over generations. However, in
my experience this attitude isn’t uncommon.
When my wife and
stepson moved in with me, my temper was terrible. I raised my voice when he
wouldn’t listen. I even got physical when he got sidetracked, grabbing him by
the arm when he strayed places I told him not to go. I think this was because I
wasn’t used to him yet. I didn’t know the things to say to get him to listen
and especially in public I got flustered and frustrated.
How to fix:
remember that you are his number one example. What him to treat his mother
nicely? Treat her nicely. Try your best not to argue in front of him and never,
ever undermine her authority in front
of him. If we want to breed better men, we need to set a better example for
boys and part of that is showing them to respect women.
And guess what?
He might feel that you’re a threat as well. After all, you are taking with his
mother away from him. While he may be losing time with her, he’s also gaining
you and it’s your job to learn how to be someone he wants to spend just as much
time with.