The Stepfather Savior Complex

This article first appeared on Everything for Dads

My family has a history of stepfathers. My dad was a stepfather to my oldest sister, my grandfather was a stepfather to my mother, and my grandmother’s father was a stepfather. In two of the above cases, this was because of parental abandonment. Their biological fathers left them at an age too young to remember. Fortunately, this was not the case with my own stepson. Part of knowing that I would be a part of his life meant accepting that hopefully, so would his biological father.

My wife had never let a partner meet her son for just that reason, that she could come to terms with a breakup, but to put the same grief upon a child was unforgivable. Luckily, we had decided that even if we weren’t in a relationship, we would always be in each other’s lives. Not to mention, at this point I hadn’t said it, but I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

It’s a lot of pressure to have put on you and you should only go through with marrying someone with a child if you want both of them to be a permanent part of your lives. 

Problem is, whether we’re first time parents or already have kids of our own, we may be very different from our partner. You might disagree on a number of things. They might be strict where you aren’t, etc. Point is, she’s got her way and you’ve got yours. But you’re king, right? You’re He-Man and your word is law. This feeling, among others is a problem I call The Stepfather Savior Complex. I’m going to speak in hetero-normative terms as this is coming from my own experience, but I think it applies to all genders.

Here are some signs that you are suffering from the Stepfather Savior Complex:

1.) You think you can discipline their child better than their mother can.

When stepping into a familial situation, outsiders tend to think they can raise a child better than the parent. It always seems easier, doesn’t it? These are the kinds of people that blame the mother for the baby crying in the grocery store or the toddler throwing a tantrum. Just slap the brat and get on with it! we say to ourselves. These people, much like grandparents think they can interject and undermine the parent’s wishes.

Often times, men are harder on boys and women are harder on girls, therefore, they get caught up in trying to correct every single thing they can. I’ve heard of stepfathers with the mother about not being strict enough. Instead of helping, they hinder the situation by beating their chests at young men. If you start doing things like this, chances are you need to take a step back and think about your insecurities. Leave your machismo at the door. This harbors disdain, not respect.

I think the real problem here is that we have trouble accepting that kids are kids. We once cried because we couldn’t have a second cookie and threw a tantrum because we didn’t want to go to bed. You can use your booming manly-man voice all you want. That kid is going to cry in the middle of the night because he wants to be tucked in and refuse to listen to his mother for no particular reason. Eventually, he’ll start saying no to you, too.

I blame this on toxic masculinity. Maybe you were told to “man up” or that “boys don’t cry.” Don’t continue the cycle. You can be the better man.

How to fix:

Take a step back. Leave the room if it bothers you that much. Let her handle the situation. She knows her kid better than you and it is your job to lead by example, not butt in and scare the child into behaving.

2.) You feel that you’re in competition with the biological father.

NEWS FLASH: you’re not. It’s okay that they love their dad. Of course they do, he’s their dad! You may feel like you have to be better than him for some reason, but you don’t. You can be just as strong of a figure as him, but it won’t happen over night. The competitive stepfather thinks he has to buy bigger toys, be stricter, be more fun so he can compare to “the real dad.” Truth is, once that biological father realizes another man is in his kid’s life, chances are, he’s feeling the same way you do.

The mother split up with the father for some reason or another and knowing that reason may make you angry. It could be he wasn’t up to par with her parental standards, abuse, or maybe it was simple irreconcilable differences. Use this knowledge so that you don’t repeat his mistakes, but don’t take it too far.

How to fix: be just as excited as he is about seeing his father. Chances are, you don’t like this guy, but you don’t want your stepchild to see that. “Did you have fun at daddy’s? Great!” things along those lines that let your stepchild know that they are loved.

3.) You view your stepson as a threat.

I’m going to get a little Freudian with this one, but I think our pipe-smoking phallic obsessed friend was onto something with this Oedipus Complex thing. If you’re not familiar with this concept, in a nutshell, Freud suggests that boys feel a love for their mother that is threatened by the father. I believe that the inverse can be true.

Hopefully you love that boy’s mother more than you love breathing air, but eventually something hits you in the head like Chuck Lidell: that boy is her world and no matter how much she loves you, it will never compare to the love she feels for him. Unless he’s adopted, he grew inside her for Christ’s sake.

So what do we do? We take it out on him. Maybe he’s bratty at times and doesn’t treat her as kindly as you do so we yell and intercede. Maybe you feel he sucks up too much of her attention, calling to her in the middle of the night. We want to call him “mamma’s boy” and tell him to suck it up when she attends his sickness and wounds.

This may be taking things a bit too far for some people. It may even sound outlandish or outdated, as modern fathering has changed so much over generations. However, in my experience this attitude isn’t uncommon.

When my wife and stepson moved in with me, my temper was terrible. I raised my voice when he wouldn’t listen. I even got physical when he got sidetracked, grabbing him by the arm when he strayed places I told him not to go. I think this was because I wasn’t used to him yet. I didn’t know the things to say to get him to listen and especially in public I got flustered and frustrated.

How to fix: remember that you are his number one example. What him to treat his mother nicely? Treat her nicely. Try your best not to argue in front of him and never, ever undermine her authority in front of him. If we want to breed better men, we need to set a better example for boys and part of that is showing them to respect women.

And guess what? He might feel that you’re a threat as well. After all, you are taking with his mother away from him. While he may be losing time with her, he’s also gaining you and it’s your job to learn how to be someone he wants to spend just as much time with.

The Upside: Batman V. Superman

DC’s Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice was perhaps one of the most criticized and disappointing superhero films of the year, scoring a 6.8 on IMDB and scoring 27% on Rotten Tomatoes. Ouch. While there have been some mixed reviews, for the most part the film has been regarded as another example of how DC just keeps failing and failing, unable to keep up with the success of the Marvel franchise. Its predecessor, Man of Steel didn’t tank with audiences quite as badly, but nonetheless, couldn’t live up to fans’ expectations.

Despite being a failure of a script, it does have its merits. Here are a few upsides I found noteworthy.

1.) Batman is a miserable, joyless, and moody SOB.

As Batman should be. While some may consider this boring and annoying, I think Ben Affleck captures the character better than most people claim he did. Yes, he constantly has the look of a moody teenage boy just dumped by his first girlfriend. But let’s face it, ever since the 80’s, when Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight debuted along with Tim Burton’s Batman, followed by the even darker Batman: The Animated Series, the masked vigilante has been less fun to watch and increasingly more depressing.

And those abs, man. Phew.

Problem is: well, he’s a miserable, joyless, and moody SOB and the movie doesn’t give us enough time to get to know, let alone give a hoot about this rendition of Batman. If it weren’t for that pesky Wonder Woman and shameless setup for the Justice League movie! Can any movie nowadays focus on just one or two superheroes at time? The title is Batman V Superman, not Batman V Superman kind-sorta teaming up with Wonder Woman who seems to have some weird ambiguous goal of her own.

2.) It embraces Superman as god-like.

Let’s face it, if we had someone like Superman land on Earth we wouldn’t welcome him with open arms. We’d scream and run in terror, even if his cape was a massive banner that said IT’S OKAY I’M THE GOODGUY. Superman, despite being named Kal-El, Hebrew for “voice of god,” is a messiah, closer to Jesus than Moses. He sacrifices himself for a world that he could destroy. A lengthy essay could easily be devoted to the topic of how the world blames the actions of the many (General Zod and the gang) on the actions of the one (Superman) despite the fact that he just saved the frackin’ planet.

Problem is: they seriously overdo it. Lex Luthor must say the word “god” at least 15 times throughout the film when just two or, better one time would suffice. There are some magnificent shots of Superman looming over people like an archangel, but they lose their effect when we see them over and over.

3.) It gives us a new, weirder rendition of Lex Luthor.

Perhaps the most redeeming part of this film and the only fun part is Jesse Eisenberg. He Channels his performance as Mark Zuckerberg from The Social Network and mixes it with Heath Ledger’s Joker. His intelligence is a superpower in its own right. I don’t think it made sense to the audience that he stutters and goes on tangents when he speaks because as far as I know, no Lex Luthor has really done this before. To me, it was there way of showing that he’s so smart it’s frustrating. His speech can’t quite keep up with his brain. Why he goes crazy? No clue, but I liked it.

Problem is: why does everyone keep Lex’s hair until the end of the movie? Just make him bald from the start people.

4.) Henry Cavill looks the part.

For Man of Steel Cavill trained six months at the infamous Crossfit predecessor, Gym Jones to get in shape for the role. We’ve never seen a live action Superman this buff. Some complain about the bloated look of the film, but I think that in the age of CGI, actors looking as much the part as possible is the one thing that makes us feel that we’re watching humans onscreen. Back in the day, special effects couldn’t come close to what we can do today, but in this sense, I think we harken back to the days of Lou Ferrigno. Granted, it sets ridiculous standards of beauty, but we’ll forgive that for now.

With the jawline, the hair, there’s no mistaking him as Superman. And those pecks… abs… phew.

Problem is: would it kill him to smile?

5.) We get to see just how strong Superman is compared to Batman.

Batman can’t compete with Superman without Kryptonite. With just a flick of his finger, Batman would break a few bones.

Problem is: once is enough, Snyder. We don’t need to see Superman hovering over the Caped Crusader as rain pours down over them as we saw in every preview. Like most things in this movie, it gets old really quick.

6.) They kill Superman.

THANK GOD. Finally someone has the guts to kill a superhero. Was I the only one who was ticked off they let Batman live in The Dark Knight Rises? I know he’ll come back, but let me dream about finality and closure to a story.

Problem is: dual burial scenes? Much, too much. Not to mention we don’t meet Doomsday until act III. Zack Snyder needs to take Screenwriting 101.

Anything But Slow: Emo king Cameron Boucher returns to his roots with Old Gray’s latest album, Slow Burn

Old Gray have inspired a generation of teens to pick up their guitars and wail about romance, suicide, and depression. Boucher (which I have finally confirmed is pronounced boo-shay) has become a spokesman for bipolar disease, or manic depression. He makes sure to tell the audience at every show that he struggles with this illness every day and that they are incredibly special, worthy, and much better than suicide, unlike a previous generation of emo/punk that almost seemed to glorify self-harm. Boucher is honest about the friends he’s lost to suicide, which have inspired so many of his songs the past two years.

Old Gray started in 2011 and have since released two full albums, a number of splits, and several EPs. Their debut album, An Autobiography came out in 2013, a master work filled with lyrics so honest Boucher seems to steal the words right out of your messed up head and belt them out in a way that makes you want to hug poor Cam and tell him it’s okay. That, and sing along until your voice goes horse.

The band went their separate ways, but Boucher and drummer/spoken word artist, Charlie Singer remained together and formed the toned down, pop punk band Sorority Noise, who have turned into an even bigger success, touring with notable bands such as Modern Baseball and Motion City Soundtrack.

Now with their second studio album, Slow Burn, they prove they’ve still got the good ‘ol high pitched indiscernible scream inside their lungs. They’ve taken a step towards the hardcore style of short, explosive tracks. Unlike before where their songs averaged 2-4 minutes, now most of them are hardly over a minute with the shortest being “Razor Blade” at 27 seconds. The longest tracks are the instrumental “On Earth as it is in Heaven” and “Like Blood From a Stone,” which is mostly spoken word, a poem read and written and read by William James about an attempted suicide and the following inpatient therapy.

The first single and perhaps the gem of the album “Everything is in Your Hands,” ends by repeating, “I can haunt you too, if you want me to,” suggesting that even when our friends are dead and speaking to us from the grave, we can channel their pain against them. Suicide may be something we do to ourselves, but it is also something that happens to other people. Perhaps the act is intended to tell everyone in our lives that there’s nothing else they can do. Boucher says no, you let go of me so I’m letting go if you, too.

Where once they let songs build and crescendo from haunting instrumental to heartbreaking verse, here they don’t give you space to take in their sound and learn what to expect. They hit you as suddenly as a loved one’s death. The album’s cover is a shed burning violently in the woods. That’s Boucher’s brain. That’s the anguish he’s sharing with us. From that fire he’s created a sound as dark as the smoke that rises from it.

Pay for Slow Burn, don’t just stream it. With all the hard work and tears this band has put into their music, they deserve some reward. Whatever way you listen to it, listen to it alone. Unlike most emo-suicide themed works, this is not a cry of help. This is a cry for the listener to get help, to know they are not alone.

Logan

No matter how dark superhero movies get (or the comics they're based off of) none are as violent as Logan. The majority of movies in the Marvel franchise in particular have embraced that even if characters die, even if there are real consequences to their actions, it's still a comic book world. Both of the Avengers movies are a blast and no matter how beat up the characters get, it's still funny and cartoonish. Shouldn't it be? Aren't these movies supposed to be an escape from reality, from the bombings, murders, and rapes we see on TV each day? I think they are. They're away of feeling like a kid again, when violence was fun and heroes got out without a bruise or cut.

Wolverine tells his younger, female clone that this is not the comic books she's been reading, people die and get hurt. It's the real world. If there is a thesis statement in the film, that's it. The violence is always entertaining, but we get a glimpse at what fighting an almost-invincible man with claws coming out of his hands would be like: horrific. But what happens when bad guys get their heads cut off? The crowd cheers. Most are probably unaware that the film is critiquing them as much as it is the comic books it's based off of.

Logan doesn't feel like a superhero film. Superhero implies that the protagonist actually wants to help people, to be a vigilante, but Logan wants nothing to do with this. He trudges on nonetheless, trying to get Professor X to safety even though he believes the whole thing is made up. His reluctance seems a little forced to be consistent up until the very end, but without it there would be very little conflict besides the fact the villians are on their tails the whole time. This is a story set in a post-superhero world, where the people who want to make mutants into weapons have already won. In the fashion of Watchmen, this leaves most of them bitter and others hopeful. Luckily, unlike the rest of the Marvel and DC franchises it does not feel the need to cram in as many heroes as possible. We're good with just three, four counting Laura.

Spoiler alert: likeable innocent people die and we see it, unlike other films like The Dark Knight, where the worst of violence is done off-camera and usually by explosion. Oh, and children get hurt. Did I mention that? No one swoops in to save them in the nick of time. The men after them are ruthless and cold, unafraid to shoot at children. Equally, the children don't have much trouble killing either. Logan tells Lara she's going to have to find a way to live with that, as he himself probably has the highest kill rate of any onscreen superhero. Those who didn't complain that Superman killed Zod in the end of Man of Steel will be satisfied with this. Others will likely be mortified. Disturbingly, I saw kids in the audience who looked younger than ten. No matter what Logan says, they are likely to be more entertained by the fifth decapitation than they are to be afraid.

We all enjoy a hero who gets their ass kicked. It's like seeing UFC champion go down when we thought they were invincible. There's a satisfaction in knowing that everyone can be beat and as Logan limps around, covered in scars, we realize that he's not immortal, nor does he want to be. He has a death wish and must decide if he wants to end it all before continuing to die slowly and painfully, or if he wants to go out the hero Professor X made him into.

Out of all the X-Men, Wolverine is probably my favorite. He's scrappy, filled with rage, and grumpy. Like most of Professor X's students he's lost and no matter how many times he becomes found again, sooner or later he ends up a wandering ronin, apathetic and alcoholic, a man who wants nothing but to find some peace of mind and to erase memories filled with violence and loss. In Logan Hugh Jackman gives a final farewell to the iconic character he's played for the past seventeen years, as do we get the peaceful ending that Wolverine deserves. Luckily, unlike so many other films we get closure and no convoluted setups for future films. And finally, Marvel did the right thing and focused on a small group of compelling characters instead of a cliffhanger ending alluding to another sequel or remake.